By Gustavo Palomino
Today I woke up and everything was perfect for just an instance. I got out of bed and I starting feeling anxious about going to the classes I didn’t want to go to. I thought to myself, “I am just tired of school…I don’t want to be here anymore…this is a waste of my time.” I went to my first class, and sat there.
The professor went on and on and I wondered what the hell she was talking about…it seemed like irrelevant crap. Part of me felt guilty about feeling this way because I have received a lot of financial aid, and the thing I wanted the most at one point in my life was to go to college. It was my dream.
After class I decided to go the library to do a paper for the class that I hate the most. Why this class exists, I am still not sure. As I was entering the library I noticed that half the kids were wasting space by talking about worthless garbage while the other half were either doing work quietly or pretending to do work quietly. I walked up to a computer and right before I sat down I locked eyes with a beautiful girl that I know from somewhere in school. She was perfect.
After a couple of seconds of looking at each other she looked away…and quickly left the scene. I wondered if she liked me. I wondered if she thought I liked her, and she didn’t like me…so she ran away. Did I even care about her that much? Was I only after her because she was beautiful? Her beauty was the driving reason…but I also kind of actually liked her. I sat down and began writing a worthless paper about nothing that has any meaningful substance.
After I was done with my paper, I went to get a coffee at that shitty new coffee shop next to subway. The service was terrible. I ordered a mocha iced latte. It tasted like mud, it wasn’t even cold and the “barista” was extremely slow. I assumed she was new. This person receiving a job made me lose hope in mankind. Shortly after that I thought about when I used to be a new “barista.” I hated it, and I was terrible at it. I didn’t give a crap about how she felt…that made me feel guilty.
I then thought about going to my last class, but getting burned alive seemed like a better idea, so I went home. On the Rutgers bus ride home, I felt lonely, and also disgusted by the smell of the other students. How could you allow yourself to smell that bad? When I finally arrived at my stop I noticed that the bus driver looked miserable. I got off the bus and starting thinking about him. I realized that I see him at least twice a week and every time I see him he looks miserable. I felt bad for him. What a horrible life he must have to feel so awful.
When I got home, I ran into my room to avoid my family. I love them, but I rarely enjoy their presence. They don’t get it. I sat in front of my computer and began thinking about that girl I saw in the library. I could easily get in touch with her, but I was too afraid. I questioned my fear, but in the end it won. Maybe there is still hope for us.
After all this, I started worrying about the future. I’ve been doubting myself recently. Sometimes it feels like I am losing my convictions. It’s sort of like in the LONG process of working for what I wanted…I stopped wanting it…although I never reached it. How could I know I don’t want what I never had? Maybe I was making excuses to give up. I decided to do my best to keep fighting for what I think want…since that is all that I have.